


I Know

by OctoberPersephone



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Arguing, Brotherly Love, Crappy summary, Depression, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Experiments, Gaster's a bad dude, Implied Drug Withdrawl, Implied Murder, Insanity, Lying and Secrets, M/M, Mentions of resets, Other, Sans and Pap aren't related, Sans is actually fucking crazy, Sans is kinda a dick, Sans slowly becomes heartless, Scary Sans, Unhealthy Coping, agnst, forced memory loss, puns, someone help paps, this is kinda sad idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-03-13
Packaged: 2018-09-27 15:58:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10030532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OctoberPersephone/pseuds/OctoberPersephone
Summary: Papyrus is worried about Sans and gets into a much deeper situation that he thought.





	1. I Want to Know...

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so the summary is really bad but please do not read if you are at all triggered by drugs, or neglect due to drugs, or if you just really hate angst.
> 
> Pretty sure this is the first fic I've made where there's not sex in it wow lookit me growing up.
> 
> I love Kudos and comments so please write cause I'm a lonely soul.

My brother always told me the things I wanted to hear. Never wanted to tell me 'No' or that I couldn't do or have something. All while I was a babybones I had a pretty good life, despite growing up without a parental figure. My brother always said I could do or be whatever I wanted, he even said he would help me achieve my greatest dreams of getting into the Royal Guard!

I always had very high expectations, a certain standard of criteria had to be met or else I would sulk like a child. I never knew how hard it was on Sans until the first time I caught him while patrolling... Sans of course didn't see me, otherwise this would've been over then. No, he didn't see me, as I watched him walk into Grillby's bar. 

I thought nothing of it at first, Sans was allowed to have his vices just like I was allowed mine. Anything that Sans found comfort in was rare, so of course the bar was something I could never take away, even though its taste was rather...cheap, in my opinion. However, I couldn't help but worry as he walked back out much sooner than I expected, grin stretched like always, but he looked much more jittery than before. That was the first time I saw the little white pills. 

I didn't know what they were called, only that they were stored in a single bag about the size of a closed fist, and they made my brother's eyelights dimmer and sadder looking each time they crossed my own.

I always knew when he would take them. There were signs that gave him away all the time, for a long time I didn't know whether to be happy or sad for those signs. His bones would shake slightly even though our house was kept fairly warm. He would stare in one direction for hours with the same kind of shattered look I had begun to harbor behind closed doors. I would confront him about how strange it was, he would only brush it off.

"just feeling sick pap, snow big deal heheh."

"Brother honestly, you cannot deflect the situation with poor jokes! It seems as if you are always sick, I wish to know what is happening!" I furrowed my browbone and pretended not to notice the nervous clench of Sans's teeth. He sighed lightly and looked at me with a guilty expression.

"you got me bro..." I glanced towards him in curiousity, "its the weather, its chilling me to the bone, nothing a shower and some grub cant fix" his expression returned to its cheeky smile and I lightly smacked myself in the forehead with a loud groan.

I contained my urge to wince in disappointment as the lie slipped so easily between his teeth. I quickly deduced he wouldn't tell me and decided to make him some of my spaghetti and send him up to rest. Which in response he stared at me in mock-amazement and asked where his real brother had gone. I shooed him upstairs regardless.

This process continued for a while longer. Everyday Sans would return from work, his left fist clenched in his hoodie. If I was really listening I could hear the crinkle of plastic when Sans would shift upstairs to "wash his hair". While Sans was in the bathroom I could hear the periodic slow thumps of Sans hitting his fist into the tiled wall. I just knew he was curled up on the floor with the tub running cold water to block out whatever noise. It never did. I always knew just when he would fall apart.

"Brother please get up it's getting too late in the day for these antics!" I tried to keep my voice from shaking as i gently prodded the sheets for the third time this morning. He complained of wanting five more minutes in response until I told him it was noon. Sans got up quickly then, completely ignoring me as he moved steadily through the house. I could see the dark rings under his eye sockets. He must have doubled up last night then, his hands were out of his pockets when he left the house, confirming my suspicions.

When I had enough I talked to Alphys about little white pills. The first thing out of her mouth was that I should be very careful not to take any if I happen to find some.

"I-it's not that they're entirely b-bad... it's just that... uhm, your life would be b-better if you didn't t-take anything like that. Y-you don't know w-what they could do!" She wrung her hands and I flashed her a reassuring smile.

"Do not worry Alphys! The Great Papyrus would do nothing of the sort!" I couldn't bring myself to say the word drugs. Let alone try to talk to her about Sans. It seemed that Alphys was rather unknowing of what the pills could cause, or she just wouldn't tell me. I feel as though I would rather not know but I cannot just leave Sans to this any longer, so the next day I went into his room to speak with him about this.

I made sure to shine my battle body before this meeting, I am unsure why. I puffed out my chest and quickly opened the door to Sans's room, head held high. Sans scrambled to hide something within the confines of balled up sheets, face almost looking annoyed before snapping into a false sense of calm.

"heya bro, everything ok?" He watched me warily as I strode in closer, my eye lights were focused solely on the sheets.

"Sans what are you hiding from me? Is it a present?" My voice held its natural exuberance despite me knowing the secret that was nestled just out of reach. Before he could speak I lunged toward the balled up mass, my reflexes being slightly faster than his, leading to success. The sheets were slightly damp and stained with drool and sweat in some areas, regardless I shifted away and dug between the folds to grab a book. A journal?

As I pulled the book free I could sense blue magic trying to snatch it away, i strained and managed to open some pages as my brother clawed at the mattress to get it back, I pushed his grabby hands away and began to read.

'i don't know how much longer i can keep this up. the freezing cold does nothing to soothe the ache in watching as paps leaves every morning. knowing i'm lying, knowing i'm breaking my promise. he said these will make things easier. so why does it leave me feeling like an even bigger piece of garbage? its amazing what damage a small good thing can do.' 

I was brought back to my senses to the sound of paper tearing. Sans had begun to rip out most of the pages before I dragged him away from the book, snarling like a recently freed animal. We both breathed heavily for a minute before I released him. Sans quickly re-adjusted his hoodie on his shoulders before lowering his head. We stood there.

"I know Sans." I looked at his figure, swaying slightly, and his left hand came up to brush against his face before it disappeared back into his pockets. "Sans..." he turned around, deathly stoic, eye lights shining faintly but seeming bored.

"what about pap?" 

"What is happening to you brother?" I tried hard to keep my voice from breaking, my shoulders threatening to slump under his gaze. What had these things done to him, how could he act this way? Sans chuckled bitterly and the sound caused my eye lights to shift nervously towards the door but... this was Sans, I know I cannot leave him. I won't allow myself to leave him.

"you know nothing papyrus." I flinched.

"Sans please, if this is something I did-"

"you know nothing." His voice got colder but I stood my ground, I could feel one of my legs shaking and forced it to hold strong.

"Sans you are not acting-"

"y o u k n o w n o t h i n g a b o u t t h i s" 

His eye flashed for a second and I stumbled back two steps. He regained himself and almost looked guilty before pointing to the door. I left the room wordlessly and never entered without knocking again. That night I locked my bedroom door for the first time in a while, and listened as Sans tore up the rest of the journal.

The next morning I silently made breakfast, slowly stirring oatmeal in hot water. I listened as my brother padded down the stairs, my eye lights focused on the small eggs that begun to change into dinosaurs before me. A chair scuffled across the floor, Sans coughed into his sleeve, my hands kept moving.

"bro if you keep stirring that it's gonna e-pap-orate" Sans chuckled quietly and I sighed gently through my nose before turning around. My brother's expression was soft, almost back to normal. Almost. "listen... i know what happened yesterday was-" I stiffened and Sans jumped slightly before cutting himself off and shifting his gaze down. "yeah. anyway pap. you've gotta just understand that some things are just better kept secret. i get that i've been acting strange lately, but it's just been a rough couple of weeks. you get that right?" He didn't wait for my response, smart of him, seeming as I was unwilling to give him one in this moment.

"you're allowed to have your secrets just like i can have mine. i won't need to ask you about anything you don't want, we can make a deal even if we need to." Sans gave me a light hearted smile but I could see nothing but lies falling from his teeth, mocking me, daring me to disapprove. I nodded. "see that's... that's good," he sighed gently and relaxed into the wooden seat. "you saw before, this stuff is a little intense, i just don't want you to have to deal with it okay pap. you get it right? i'm just trying to protect you." He said it more as if he was trying to convince himself.

In that moment I wanted to sob, I wanted answers, I wanted whatever baggage my brother carried to fall from his shoulders. I wanted Sans back, but I guess I was never good at getting told 'No'.

I shakily met my brother's eye lights and smiled. "I know Sans."


	2. I Need to Forget...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is Sans's POV of the entire situation as well as a whole backstory!

When me and pap were kids I always did my best. Always made sure he had what he needed. And if I could help it, I would get some of the things he wanted too. He deserved it after all. After what he'd been through back in that...awful lab. Surrounded by all those mad, horrid, monsters. What's worse is that I was one of them. But Papyrus doesn't know that, thank the stars.

The days in Gaster's lab were easy at first. Record that. Clean this. Fix that mistake. Easy things, innocent things. But then I was given a test oppurntunity I couldn't pass up, all by that crazy shithead himself.

"Sans." I turned slowly away from the computer and stared at his nasal bone, I never looked anyone in the eye here. Something about corruption but maybe I'm just suspicious.

"yeah doc?" I fully faced Gaster and forced my eye lights to roam away from the cracked eye-sockets.

"I would like for you to accompany me into the holding facility. I may have solved the issue plaguing the specimen we collected." His voice was cold, and calculated, more like an order than a request. I stood carefully and shoved my hands into my lab coat.

Gaster had taken me in while I was still in stripes and taught me how to survive in the lab environment. Things were fast-paced, and mistakes were almost always frowned upon, but I learned quickly how to stay on the adults good side and make a name for myself. One of the things I'd done to keep Gaster's cold, dead, magic constructs off of me was capture a specimen for his new experiment. I still remember crystal clear how it happened.

A child among the underground was rare. Ever since the King and Queen had crumbled overnight monsters hardly left their homes, let alone dare to "mock" the hierarchy with their own happiness. Things were much different back then. If only the foolish parents knew what struggles our kingdom was going through. If only the child had known to stay close to his parents. If only I had thought before my magic had formed and acted. If only...

This is wrong. This is so horribly wrong. I keep telling myself that even now, yet I still raised my hand against that family, and I still gave Gaster what he wanted.

I can feel guilt twist inside of me as we aproach the orphan monster, huddled delicately in the left corner of its room. Several paintings are hung up, even more and balled up along the floor. Gaster stops me with a hand.

"I believe that is close enough for now, Michael is still very on edge from our last meeting." I forced myself not to flinch and search the small monster for more insertion sites. My soul beats painfully when I see another drilled hole along the small monster's scapula.

"michael, sir?" I reply instead. Gaster chuckles lightly.

"Well certainly we cannot just call it 'subject' forever now can we. Do you like it? I find it fitting." Gaster looks up in amusmant and the skeleton monster begins to shiver slightly. I hide my confusion at the terrible name, considering on asking further before I'm cut off entirely. "Well regardless. It has come to my attention that he is becoming quite hostile to staff here. I may have found a way to fix it, but I need you to do it." My brow ridge raises and I shift my gaze to just left of his skull.

"me? what do i need to do here?" I begin to fidget and eye the marks donning the captive monster again. Gaster places an assuring hand on my shoulder, I try not to shake underneath it.

"He likes you Sans. It will be nothing too dangerous, I just need you to give him this pill, it helps make everything so much easier for all of us." One of my wrists is gripped and my hand is snatched from its pocket. A small white circle is placed in the center and I bring my eye lights toward it curiously.

"what does it do?" I continue to keep my eyes on the pill as Gaster enters a code into the door.

"Nothing yet. I am hoping effects will be positive and do as desired, but for now we give the dosage and wait. Go on now, I need to know if this works. I will leave you be now." Gaster ushers me inside and I hear the heavy lock and click of the door securing itself. I breathe out a sigh before walking forward steadily. 

"heya bud, uh... it's been-"

"Sans?" A timid voice interrupts me and black eye sockets meet mine. "Sans!" The figure stands and runs toward me, stopping suddenly before making any sort of contact.

"woah there pal" I step back slightly and grin politely, " I know it's been a minute kid but I think you should sit down. They've probably been workin' you down to the bone." The shorter skeleton giggles lightly but scratches at the new insertion point.

"I get that one! But Sans, are you aware everyone is calling me Michael? Why are they doing that, it isn't my name!" The small monster looks confused and frustrated at this situation, I can't help but chuckle a bit at the reaction.

"i know bud, but hey at least it's better than gaster jr. huh?" I joked and Papyrus rolls his eyes. "im sorry pap, but how are you feeling right now?" I watched as his shoulders slump a bit.

"Itchy..." Papyrus makes a move to paw at his shoulder but changes his mind. Smart move, it only gets worse if you scratch it anyway. My features soften and i kneel down a bit to meet Papyrus's eye lights.

"man that's no fun. but hey i got something for the pain alright?" The lies come easy now, I gesture and his eyes move to my palm and stare at the pill. He hesitates in grabbing it but when I offer again his small phalanges take it. "just go and let it melt on your tongue mmkay pap?" He nods to me and follows my orders. He always followed my orders.

We both waited, neither of us knowing what's going to happen next. Just as I go to say something Papyrus sits heavily on the floor, eye lights hazy, body twitching in controlled motions. 

Shit. Okay Sans think. Think think think... my breathing picks up and I watch helplessly as Papyrus's eye lights roll around in their sockets. I stand over him and place a hand on his shoulder, "hey pap, can you hear me? c'mon now bud stay awake here okay?" I gently move his skull around to look into his sockets as he continues to vibrate. "pap. pap, bro please wake up now okay? you gotta wake up and tell me how you're feeling." Im trying to hide the shakiness in my voice as I wait for a response. Oh my god what the fuck did I just give this kid. The things I've done for Gaster make me want-

"Brother?" Papyrus's voice shocks me. I look down and sure enough he's fine. Thank stars he's fine.... "Brother where are we? Where is mom and dad?" I should be horrified at that question but the logical side of my mind is too busy thinking about the drug I just gave this kid. I can do nothing but stare. Papyrus continues to ask questions about things he should already know, and the door unlocks. "Brother what's wrong I-" his eye lights look up to a different figure, "Oh hello there! What is your name?" Papyrus asks happily to Gaster, my eyes are locked on the floor. Oh no what the fuck did I do.

They exchange a few words before I am gently pulled away and Papyrus waves happily as we leave, the heavy door is shut once again. I feel like I should be crying right now.

"Isn't it wonderful? Now he won't remember the past. A scared subject is an unwilling subject after all." Gaster says lightly and pats my shoulders before beginning to walk down the hall, I scramble after him.

"sir i don't-"

"Calm now Sans. It just helps him forget, there's no harm in giving him that is there?" Gaster stops outside a door and aimlessly checks the chart, not meeting my gaze as I struggle to comprehend this.

"gaster... he was dying. his psyche could be permanently damaged, this is some seriously illegal-" Gaster slams the chart back into place and I jump. His eye lights don't meet mine but I can see them glow dangerously.

"I don't think you should be making such accusations Sans. After all, you are no stranger to illegal activity." The threat hangs heavy in the air and he turns without a word and stalks away. This time I don't follow him.

Getting us out of the lab wasn't the hard part. It was living and knowing that you're a huge piece of shit that hurts the most. Seeming relaxed every time I was referred to as Papyrus's brother took some time, but it was easy considering we were the only skeleton monsters left after... well anyway after a while I believed it too. Papyrus stopped asking about his parents soon, since I never gave him answers. Since I couldn't live with giving him answers.

Once the resets started I felt as if this was my own special hell for all the fucked up stuff I've done. I embraced it at first, letting myself wallow, letting myself be killed, letting Papyrus be killed. I deserved it, with how awful I had been. Over the course of the resets I started changing, adapting to my surroundings, coping even. And then I got an idea.

"heya grillbz. mind if i grab something real fast?" I didn't even bother sitting on the stool, this was going to be quick anyway. The fire elemental nudged his head in a motion which I assumed meant yes, not like it would've mattered, I've been behind the bar before. "thanks grillbz, you're the best" I said and slipped over the bar and into the back room.

It's a good thing Grillby doesn't remember these things being back here. I walked over to the stocks of ketchup and pull out the 5th bottle from the front. It rattles as I shake it gently, bingo. It seems like it was ages ago when I stole these back from paps, he didn't need them anymore since Gaster died. He didn't need to forget anything, but just maybe... I put the pills into my pocket and placed the bottle back in it's spot before making my way out of the bar again. As I walked home I looked at the bag thoughtfully, counting 80 in total and hoping that what I was about to do wouldn't destroy my life.

The first time I took the pills it seemed as if everything was slowed down. The second time I fell asleep and missed an entire day of work. And the 3rd time is when Papyrus called me out.

"Brother honestly, you cannot deflect the situation with poor jokes! It seems as if you are always sick, I wish to know what is happening!" He furrowed his brow bone at me as I inwardly panicked. Surely he didn't know anything right? I sighed and looked into his worried eye lights.

"you got me bro...its the weather, its chilling me to the bone, nothing a shower and some grub cant fix" I chuckled at his exaggerated disapproval of my joke and was ushered upstairs to shower. It seemed like I was always taking showers though. Mostly it was just running the water and punching the tiles on the bathroom wall until my head stopped pounding and bones stopped shaking.

After I'd been taking the drugs for a couple weeks I began to write down my feelings. It seemed like Papyrus was getting onto me, I had a feeling he could see the chipping in my knuckles and the tiles in the shower wall... but if he did he never said anything about it. After work I flopped down onto my matress and dug between the wall to grab the small journal I wrote my madness in.

'I've been feeling a bit on edge today, my supply has been running really low lately. I told myself that I would only take one a day if needed. Now it feels like I need one every hour. Or three every hour... I'm so pathetic...I always felt sad, tired, depressed, and hopeless. Why couldn't the pills make me feel how pap did? Why does papyrus get to forget and I don't. It's not fair. I want to forget, I never get what I want why is this happening to me. I'll kill that kid. I'll tear them apart next I see them. I'll destroy their existence and make them wish they never fell down here.' my writing grew into a scrawl as I got angry. The pen pushed deeper into the notebook, I was just about to start again when my Papyrus suddenly opened the door to my room.

"Sans what are you hiding from me? Is it a present?" He bounded over innocently and snatched the journal from its hiding spot. I contained my sounds of rage as I struggled to pry it from him using my magic. His eyes scanned a random page and I surpressed the urge to use my magic against him, I just... couldn't do that. But I need it back! It's mine! Give it back! I ducked under his gangly arms ripping the journal from his grip and began tearing up the pages. Stupid stupid stupid of me to do this! Why did I write this down I knew he would find it someday, fuck this stupid journal!

I could faintly hear Papyrus's voice telling me to calm down as I was torn away from the mess of paper on the ground. I breathed heavily and started to cry. Papyrus released me and I fixed myself up a bit and stared at the mess I'd made.

"I know Sans." Papyrus said softly and my nose ridge wrinkled in annoyance. I wiped at my eyes furiously as he said my name again softer. Shit I forgot how impatient he was sometimes. I turned around, deathly calm for how much rage I still felt at this whole situation.

"what about pap?" I asked calmly and I saw him flinch slightly. Heh.

"What is happening to you brother?" Oh there's that title again. If only you knew the truth papyrus... that I killed your family, drugged you, kidnapped you, watched you die over and over and over again... if I told you I'm sure your pretty little skull would break in half. I laughed humorlessly, letting my eyes drift to the floor.

"you know nothing papyrus." He flinched again, but he needs to learn.

"Sans please, if this is something I did-" 

"you know nothing." My voice colder than before, I ignored how scared he looked. He needs to shut up, just stop Papyrus im begging you please just stop talking.

"Sans you are not acting-"

"y o u k n o w n o t h i n g a b o u t t h i s" 

My eye flashed for a second and Papyrus actually stumbled away from me. Seeing that made my heart break and I quickly dispelled the magic in my eye before pointing to the door. Papyrus left the room wordlessly and never entered without knocking again, if at all. That night after Papyrus had gone to bed I sat on the floor and slowly ripped up the rest of the journal. Page by page, into strips so small, and cast them into Waterfall to dissolve like I wish past memories could.

I remember waking up the next morning feeling really guilty. Not guilty enough to stop, but enough to feel like I should defiantly apologize and reassure pap on boundaries so it doesn't get out of control like that again. I did still raise him after all and I don't want him to be afraid of me. Stars I really am a piece of shit. 

As I made my way downstairs Papyrus didn't turn around to greet me, he must've been shaken up still. I wiped the nervous sweat off my brow bone and took a breath, setting my usual grin on and walking calmly into the kitchen.

"bro if you keep stirring that it's gonna e-pap-orate" I chuckled quietly and pap sighed quietly before turning around. He didn't look fooled by my calm expression at all, he stared at the area above my head and I forced myself not to be hurt by this. "listen... i know what happened yesterday was-" His posture went rigid, I sensed the red flags quickly and cut myself off continuing to not meet his eyes. Guess that habits back now... "yeah. anyway pap. you've gotta just understand that some things are just better kept secret. i get that i've been acting strange lately, but it's just been a rough couple of weeks. you get that right?" He didn't respond, I think he was unaware of how cold his eyes looked at the moment, I kept talking.

"you're allowed to have your secrets just like i can have mine. i won't need to ask you about anything you don't want, we can make a deal even if we need to." I gave him a light hearted smile, desperately hoping he didn't object or ask anymore questions. When he nodded I sighed in relief. "see that's... that's good," I relaxed. "you saw before, this stuff is a little intense, i just don't want you to have to deal with it okay pap. you get it right? i'm just trying to protect you." I said hoping that it didn't sound fake. I really did love Papyrus, we'd grown close, I saved him... in a way him staying out of this was kinda like payment for all I did. 

In that moment I thought back to all the past resets. The things I've done. The things I'm living with. In a way I'm getting a thing I want, Papyrus doesn't remember any of that which is good for me. Part of my still can't get over the fact that this is all my fault. All of my fault... but, let's not worry about that now. Papyrus understands, that's what matters for now. 

Papyrus made a noise of agreement and smiled at me. I returned it and let my eye lights slip closed. My hands fidgeting in my pockets around today's dose. Let's hope it works this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading! Hey look I actually finished a fic for once heheheheheheh.... dont kill me for sidetracking other fics I'm delicate :(
> 
> Please leave a comment if you have any questions! Thanks for all the support!
> 
> ~O.P.


End file.
